Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
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Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
this FaceApp is creepy af
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers