*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
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My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day