If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
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When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
My Sentiments Exactly
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.