ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
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“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
6. me as a lawyer
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Perfection.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone