I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
You Might Also Like
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Banana is the quietest snack
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Godspeed, John Glenn
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.