[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
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JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.