Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
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you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
I’ve had worse
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
January is lasting longer than my marriage
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.