can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
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Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
how many bears make up a bear minimum
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
I self medicate, therefore you live.