I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
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[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
starting a garage orchestra
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.