Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
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Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.