COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
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Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Thoughts
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying