Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
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me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Leonardo DiCaprisun
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest