VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
You Might Also Like
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Husband of the year 😂
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.