I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
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Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.