jesus, what did this guy do
You Might Also Like
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
the greatest twitter interaction
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship