[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
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[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Google Pay be like:
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”