Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
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The French cow says MEUX…
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?