I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
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And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
welp
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.