If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
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I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
You deplete me
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.