Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
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Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.