A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
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If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
😩😩😩
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…