the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
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[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Brother?
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.