Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
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#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Cats (2019)
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.