Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
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Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Just parrot things
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.