her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
You Might Also Like
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
Seems legit
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders