“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
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Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty