DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
You Might Also Like
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.