eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
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me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.