*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
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How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
6: are snakes just neck?
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.