Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
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If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam