Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
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[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.