God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
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This is the coolest video you will see today.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?