I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
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so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Covid like
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
*lint rolls you awake*
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?