My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
You Might Also Like
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
dutch so unserious
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Spell check is for lasers.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total