My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
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“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
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it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.