Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
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No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.