[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
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Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13