Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
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I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
just gave your address to some spiders
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are