My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
You Might Also Like
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*