a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
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Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Happy thanksgiving!
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.