“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
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Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
DOOO EEEET
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
What’s a Messi?
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Just got to our Airbnb!
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics