my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
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Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*