I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
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INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
my first dose meeting my second
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare