“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
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My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me