Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
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I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard