Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
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[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
*watches the world burn*
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else