Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
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[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape