[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
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It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
How is it still this week?
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.