Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
You Might Also Like
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Labreador
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake