Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
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COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar